Food Porn, Sorta (A UKUS-USUK Humor FanFic)
by EssioFoot21
Summary: All started when Alfred has another one of his sessions of masturbating. But, wait... His material was... Scones? Who knew scones are sexy now? Anyways, after his imaginative and Raspberry jam-covered act. He discovers the British man had his own secret fetish. Warning: Contains explicit descriptions "


**Hello readers! This is my first time posting here. Please be gentle with me Senpais~**

 **On second thought, GO HARDCORE ON ME with the comments! Since this story has a bit of that.**

 **I'm Essio, 17 y/o, Baguio-Philippines.**

 **When I first entered (Heheh "entered"), I actually had no ideas for a fanfic to post :(**

 **At first I decided to make a pretty general story of Alfred masturbating intensely for Arthur. But then, along the way it became... More comical.**

 **More stories like this will be posted soon!**

 **ClearxAoba Fanfic entitled "The BayMax Feature" About Aoba downloading a new feature for Clear to "enhance" their intimate sessions, after watching a sexy(?) film called Big Hero 6. Well, Clear's is more like Big Hero 10"! After Aoba tinkered with it a few years back.**

 **Enjoy more of my _"sexually hilarious"_ or _"hilariously sexy"_ themed stories :) (coz I think I might be going down that road from now on :3)**

 **I will also be posting on YouTube the new Hetalia Cosplay Series "Light Of The House" A show about Arthur and Alfred living together (That made me sound kinda pretentious lol). So, look out for that too~~~ Episode 1 will be posted this December!**

 **Favorite and Comment ^3^**

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 ** _Alfred's POV_**

 _"Mmmph…Mm..-"_ I carefully chewed my bits of the scone I held in my hand. _"-Ulk…kak!..Ugh..."_ But, they weren't exactly a delicious treat. I still don't know if they were even meant to be eaten...Or digested... Or defecated—because, is it still possible to make it become even more worse than it already was?

 _*Slurp*_

I know that's not usually the sound of someone eating a basically dry—no—COMPLETELY dry pastry. But, as of now, it's pretty much drenched in my saliva. Why do I seem to be enjoying it **too much**? Well… it's my…

 _"Ahh…Haa…Urk...Mmm…Mmmph"_

 **Fetish**. The bitter crusting of its burnt shell drives me to a point where my body shuts down, but maybe that's a health thing. But, no, it's more like a drug-kind of addiction. My brain would tell me how awful it is, but my body just decides to take control. There probably is something wrong with me.

As I feed through the charred layer, I make my way to the slightly less vile and slightly less brick-like mantle. At this point, you might already know what **else** I'm doing, right?

 _*Schlick* *Schlick*_

I was knelt against my bedside, with my head and chest resting on it. And, with my face on its side; I ate my **fruit of sin** , while my other hand was planted somewhere else. My arm was stretched awkwardly over my back, as that hand was insistently pushed and pulled between those tightly pressed two sides of flesh. The friction made of my fingers entering the narrow gap was already enough foreplay for me to fantasize more deeply. The speed of my act was quite fast, considering the amount of the **lubricant** I applied.

On my now-sticky nightstand, you'll find a opened jar of raspberry jam... Shut up. Just, don't. Whether your choice of action as of now is either to judge or to laugh. **DON'T.** I wasn't going for some theme or something. It was more about the convenience. Arthur's lube gave me the worst rashes (on my ass). I've decided to no longer buy my own lube because I am not fucking gonna risk another rash-fest. Besides, I like the idea of having someone's tongue lick around my ass. Letting _him_ enjoy the sweeter sensation while I enjoy my bitter one. _His_ lips would occasionally brush against my entrance, causing the neighboring area to cum a bit. Imagining _his_ saliva mix with my pre-cum and jam as _his_ tongue starts to fuck my hole. I like the idea of tongue-fucking; it's like having a ridiculously small dick enter your asshole. Oh yeah, I always did wonder why I enjoyed Lord Of The Rings **too much** —oh well. So, as _he_ would finish feasting, a string of it would stretch out from his tongue to my entrance. _Ack_ , wait! I need to calm the fuck down. I cannot, I repeat, cannot _"enter"_ myself just yet. I am still half-way to the core part of this scone.

There was a-… How do I call it? -A **button** in there? Kind of like a sliced olive—like, the pizza topping. But, I want to save that pleasuring part for later. I need to first finish the current layer of the scone. I had a process with these things. I may be a slob in general, but I am pretty organized with my masturbation rituals. I need to get the **FULL EFFECT** of my sessions. At this point, my penis is twitching and dripping like a Japanese High School Girl who just got rejected by her _Senpai_. What I want is to get it to feel as hungry and desperate as Italy deprived of his pasta.

There! There it is! The core! The sweet, not-made-by-Arthur center. Arthur was too lazy to make his own jam for years since it always turned out even WORSE than his scone. Imagine a black gelatinous goop—it's probably what your shit would look like after a whale fucked and came in you, and you decided to ferment it in your ass for 7 months. Anyways, back to sexy time!

 _"Y-Yes... Elf Dick fingers! Mmmmph!"_ My hard-core switch flipped as I gulped down the remaining piece of the scone. I push in four at once. The sharp pain of the sudden stretch made me cry like Greece, when he found out he killed his cat after accidentally sitting on it. Am I crazy enough to fist myself in this position?! **FUCK YES**.

The pace increases—to the point my hole squirts out some jam lube in each thrust. **Now?** Should I shove all five digits inside me. But-...No. It's not enough.

 _"J-Jam!"_

 **Eureka.** With my now scone-less hand I reach out to my nightstand and placed the lid back on the jam jar while still thrusting my ass as aggressively as Germany during World War II (I heard he admitted to being drunk the most-part of it) After barely closing it securely (since I'm just using one hand, and I am practically trembling of exhaustion from my self-fucking by now) I grabbed the tall jar. Without even slowing my pace, I pulled out my fingers—a **plop** sound accompanied it, along with most of the jam; squirting out like when Japan spat out his drink, after finding out they cancelled the 50% OFF Sale on Salmon.

I substitute my tired sticky hands with the jar of jam. By the way, when you think about it, it was pretty perverted already since the jar had an elongated shape. Considering Arthur was nicknamed the _"Perverted Ambassador"_ by Francis **HIMSELF** , I'm barely surprised he chose a lewdly-shaped jar. I used its convenience to resume my painfully pleasuring session.

At this point again, I began to think. I know you were expecting me to say _"My mind goes blank"._ But, this isn't my first S&M Masturbation act. I was a pro at this now, so I'm able to actually think when I'm doing it. Right now, I suddenly wonder _"Do I like Arthur?"_. I've mostly used his scones to turn myself on, but... What's the connection? (Besides it being currently _Frodo_ ) Who do I fantasize having actual **SEX** with when I touch myself. The _Seme_ character in my fantasies were always anonymous-looking.

While I sort out my confusion, I hear a loud _thump_ in the next room beside mine.

 _"TEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!-"_ Arthur's voice?

My dick suddenly grew as the crisp voice echoed endlessly in my room. More of that beautiful melody (accompanied with lewd statements) bounced around the walls and into my ear canal. I didn't think my genitals could inflate any more than a while ago. That gay-as-a-rainbow accent made my mind go-… Blank? Wow…It's been a while.

Okay! To speed up this scene, so we can get to the good part of my story. I **fuck, fuck, fuck**. Then, I **came** like _yada-yadda_. Then **POP** goes the jar, shooting out of my butt like a bullet and crashing onto a wall breaking into a million brilliantly sparkling pieces along with webbed strings of cum and jam—it was like it was Judgment Day and it was raining from the heavens.

 _"Thank you, Frodo"_ I say to my imaginary _Seme_ elf. Wait, is he an elf or a **dwarf**? _Meh._ Whatever. I need to leave the room and check on Arthur. So, I then stood up looking like China, after Russia was done with him (I mean look at Russia, he's the most _Yandere_ you'll get!). My knees were blushed from the kneeling, and my butt was dispensing the red goop like a bloody vending machine. My booty trembled as I tiptoe to the next door. I pushed the door open, far enough to expose a third of my face.

 _"Why are you so bloody delish?"_ Wow, _"delish"_? That was pretty '60s gay thing to say, dude.

But, more importantly, is he using a jar? Like me? D'awww. Fucking **copycat**. Although I do like how he stuffed it with wet teabags (explains everything). And, he's not using it on his ass, he's… His dick? Oh, he's really a _Seme_ -type. I just assumed he was an _Uke_ considering he probably does it with Francis. So the teabags in the jar simulate an **ass**? Hmph, kinky genius.

I was struck with a sensation again in my lower half. Huh? I thought I was still worn out from earlier? I look again to Arthur, his face looked so adorable. This makes me feel like I want to be the _Seme_ if I do it with him. I start drooling as I stare at his exposed entrance. Wait, what? **NO**. Anyways, it's such a waste not to make use of this rare chance, should I masturbate again… to **him**?

Before I could even decide. Arthur takes out something that was lying beside him on the bed and holds it to his face.

"Oh…My…Cheese-Jizz…" I gasped as my eyes grew as large as a pair of Asian testicles.

 _"Mmmph… So delish!"_ he says as he shoves his tongue between its patties.

 _*Chomps*_

He's… Eating… A burger?!...

 ** _END OF ALFRED'S POV_**


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